Picture Laura. She’s 34, brilliant at her job, always one step ahead. Her friends see her as “the perfect woman”: successful, disciplined, organized. But in silence, Laura carries a constant weight — the need to be perfect.
And that pressure, while it drives her professionally, takes its toll on her intimate life. “I can’t relax, I can’t let go,” she confessed to me in a session. “Even in bed, I feel like I have to perform.”
Her story isn’t unique. Many self-demanding people tell me the same thing. What often helps them understand is this: sexual pleasure isn’t negotiated through perfection, but through surrendering to the present moment.
What Is Self-Demand?
Self-demand is that inner drive that pushes us to reach excellence. It can be positive when it motivates us to improve and overcome challenges — at work, school, or in sports.
The problem begins when that drive never switches off. Highly self-demanding people live by almost impossible standards, feel frustrated when they don’t meet them, and rarely celebrate their achievements. Over time, this pressure can turn into anxiety, tension, and emotional exhaustion.
That’s why it’s crucial to distinguish between healthy self-demand — which helps us grow — and paralyzing perfectionism, which robs us of peace. The key is learning to set boundaries, value progress, and treat ourselves with the same compassion we’d offer someone we love.
How Self-Demand Affects Sexuality
When self-demand creeps into intimacy, it doesn’t come alone — it brings stress, comparison, and expectations. Here are four ways it can impact your sex life:
- Stress and anxiety: Living in “performance mode” activates the body’s alert system. This constant tension lowers sexual desire and makes pleasure harder to reach.
- Self-criticism during sex: Instead of feeling, the mind starts evaluating: “Am I doing this right?” “Do I look attractive?” That inner voice kills the mood.
- Avoidance of sex: When intimacy feels like an exam, fear of “failing” can lead to avoiding sex altogether, which in turn reduces closeness with your partner.
- Communication breakdowns: Fear of not meeting expectations can make it harder to express your insecurities or desires, creating misunderstandings and tension.
Strategies to Free Yourself From Self-Demand and Improve Your Sex Life
The good news is that self-demand can be managed. Here are some strategies I often recommend to my clients:
- Talk with your partner: Open, empathetic communication builds trust. Sharing insecurities can strengthen your relationship and ease pressure in the bedroom.
- Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself you don’t have to be perfect in bed. Sexuality is for enjoyment, not for passing a test.
- Relax intentionally: Techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or meditation can calm the mind and reconnect you with your body, increasing desire and pleasure.
- Seek professional support if needed: A sex therapist can offer personalized tools to break the cycle of self-demand and reclaim your sexual well-being.
Take the First Step
If you feel self-demand is interfering with your sex life, you don’t have to face it alone. I’m Mariana Barrios, a professional sexologist, and I can support you through this process. Book a session and start building a freer, more fulfilling, and healthier sexual life today.